The biggest lesson for me and for too many working mothers I know, is the realisation that you really can’t have it all. It is this myth that causes us to all feel like failures. 'Having it all' means our benchmark becomes superwoman – super-mum, super-director, super-wife, super-daughter, super-sister. We believe that others are doing it all, taking it in their stride, and we feel constantly like we are failing and guilty. I’ve recently realised that many of the working CEO mums that would have been my role-models have stay-at-home husbands and that’s how they make it work. Dual career families are tough places to be and we need to be more realistic about that. I take my hat off to single parent working families who have the toughest job of all.
Pippa Begg, co-CEO, Board Intelligence
Introduction
Pippa Begg (35) is co-CEO of Board Intelligence, a technology-led business that helps the boards of some of the world’s most respected companies function more effectively. She has 2 children, Maisie (11 months old) and Finn (3 years old), and works 4 days a week.
We need to tell our little girls we can have it all … and expectant mothers that this is a myth.
Dual career families are tough places to be and we need to be more realistic about that.
Please don’t confuse my plea for realism with admitting defeat or a view that you can’t have a career and be a parent. I was brought up believing firmly that women can have it all and that was critical to the choices I made and my sense of ambition and drive. But it also could have been the undoing of me in the early days of being a mum. I’m fortunate enough to be surrounded by a group of friends and colleagues who are all very honest and open and so we quickly crushed the idea of the mythical working mum. Without this my sense of failure would have been great.
You can be a mum (and here I mean the primary carer) and work, but you probably can’t be as at the top of your game career wise as you want to be, or as much of a pin-up mother as you want to be. Whilst my brain is just as sharp as ever and I am no better or worse at my job now than I was pre-children, the fact is I definitely work fewer hours and this has an impact. Before children I put EVERYTHING into work – every minute of the day was focused on the business and now I simply cannot do this to the same degree. I may have become more efficient since having children, and value time more as a finite resource, but this does not fully compensate for being able to work all hours of the day (and night!).
My life is so much more purposeful and richer with children, but I have had to reset my expectations for myself to not feel like I’m failing at everything (and the confidence knock that comes with that). I have moments at work and at home that remind me that I am doing a good job and we all need to focus on these rather than the negatives of juggling. I can’t be everywhere at once, so I try and focus on what everyone is best at. Debbie (our nanny) is amazing at arts & craft whilst I don’t have an artistic bone in my body – it’s far better she does that with the children than me. I don’t feel guilty about that I feel good about it.
I am co-CEO with Jennifer Sundberg and this has long been the arrangement, well before either of us became parents. The premise of the joint CEO arrangement is that two brains are better than one, we complement each other, and we give the business double the horsepower. It just so happens we are both mothers. We didn’t nail the timing first time round as our respective mat leaves overlapped, but second time round having the co-CEO arrangement worked really well in that we could cover and support each other.
A much greater appreciation that time is finite. I delegate more and say “no” to things I would have done before having children. I have much clearer boundaries than I ever had in the past which is also a good thing.
As a business leader it is also good to make yourself redundant to let others flourish – mat leave is a great way to do that and allows you to focus on different areas of business need on your return.
I genuinely think that every business needs a working mum in the C-Suite or on the Board who can set the right tone and operating model to accommodate working parents. There is no doubt that as an organisation if we lost people on their return from maternity leave because they couldn’t juggle things, we would be a far poorer place and so employers need to find more ways to support parents.
Every business needs a working Mum in the C-Suite or on the Board who can set the right tone and operating model to accommodate working parents.
In my view the key to this is offering totally flexible working arrangements – of course the arrangements need to be appropriate for the role, but we must go much much further in the way we think about flexible working. For me, because my kids wake super early – 4.30am most days – I choose to come to the office really early, often before anyone else is in. Then I leave at 3.30pm because I wouldn’t be able to do what I do if I couldn’t spend time with my children. I go back home and then work again in the evening. Conversely, we have parents of children here at Board Intelligence who, for them, the morning is the more precious time as they want to do the school drop-off, so they come in later. We also have lots of people who work remotely – today’s technology makes this a seamless solution. I am convinced the traditional 9–5 day is dead.
There are also some really simple things employers and leaders can do, such as talk openly about the issues parents face. Remind your fellow parents that it is World Book Day tomorrow and a costume will need to be acquired – talk about this! Do more to create a community of parents and support each other in the everyday challenges.
And here at Board Intelligence we offer all expectant Mums a week’s worth of duvet days – just for those times when swollen ankles or morning sickness or the prospect of getting on the tube means the effort to come into work is just too much.Dads also get the duvet days during the first year post the birth of their child – to be used if, for example, the baby was up half the night or your wife/partner is struggling to breastfeed – it is really for those times when you need some breathing space but don’t want to eat into your holiday allowance. These are the sorts of measures more employers could look to implement.
It’s about setting boundaries and being clear on how much you are prepared to flex. Funnily enough my clients, who are CEOs and Chairs of FTSE 100 companies, sometimes want to meet post 3.30pm! So there are days when I don’t leave work at 3.30pm, but 80% of the time I do, and this is my boundary. Being so rigid as to say I will never stay beyond 3.30pm would not work for us an organisation. Equally I have one day off a week – do my children get 100% of my time for the entire the entire day? – no, because I do check my emails and take the odd call – but they do get far more from me in this time than they would if I was at work. And this one day off, for me, makes the rest of the week OK.
For those organisations that expect professionals to work rigid hours and clock watch I would question what tangible difference it makes if someone leaves at 4pm to pick up the kids and then logs on again at 7.30pm. How is this any different to someone working in the office straight through till 6pm? It comes down to employers being flexible and the employee also willing to be flexible – both within limits of course, but we have to radically change mindsets when it comes to flexible working.
I would also remind women – and men - that they have options. If you are working for an organisation that is not particularly enlightened, the truth is that it is unlikely to change in the short term. To work or not work is rarely the choice, but there are loads of other organisations who are supportive towards working parents – seek them out. I would also say don’t assume big companies are good at this and small companies are bad. I’m appalled by some of what FTSE 100 companies do who when they have the resources to treat people better.
Talk to as many people as possible who have become parents as recently as possible (because memories do fade). Put in place steps to keep in touch with the business – I did this more than most given my role.
I think no one expects to have the confidence knock that everyone feels when they come back – it is hard, and I don’t think people always appreciate this – Day 1 and Week 1 are always harder than you think. I part run this organisation and there was no logical reason for my confidence to take a hit – everyone was so kind and helpful on my return – and yet I did feel less confident and this takes a little time to overcome.
Another mistake I made was that whilst I felt so very grateful to those who had covered and supported me during my first mat leave, I probably didn’t communicate my thanks for this clearly enough – and for long enough – post my return. So, I would advise returning parents to remember what it is like for the people who have covered your role whilst you have been away and what impact your return may have on them.